starting over

i guess its time to blog again. for those of you who haven't talked to me recently, let me catch you up on the new ways that life has sucked in the past two weeks....

so, the next day after legend passed (monday) i woke up, obviously not to go to class, and spent a good three hours on the futon wondering why it was that my tummy was hurting. yes, it took me that long to figure out that i was hungry. then, it was time to take kiwi to the vet, cuz she'd been having a fever. i was, obviously, hoping that it was just a fever and we'd get some meds and go home. oh no. turns out she has a deadly incurable virus. of course, what else would she have. as i'm writing this tonight, little baby doesn't have much time left, i think. in the last day or so, her breathing's gotten more labored and she's been sleeping a ton.

the day after that, i had to give a presentation in my philo of mind class. if i havent mentioned it before,. this class is more or less synonymous with hell. its the most competitive, combative class i've ever seen, and like nothing i anticipated. so, of course, the presentation was horrid... really, i shouldn't have even done it, i was definitely not in the proper state of mind to prepare or to deal with that class.

but then i had to grade and prepare to head out to cali for a wedding. it has never been harder for me to get excited about a wedding in my life. which was horrible, because it was only my best friend getting married, you know, no big deal.... and of course, just when i was starting to get into things, i got an email from one of the profs from philo of mind reminding me just how bad my presentation did go, and then i would call home and talk to dude and paul, and they'd tell me how not differently kiwi was doing. yeah.

by the time we got to the wedding itself, things were looking up. after all, all the coolest people were there. so we had a lot of fun, and everything went well. it was definitely a bittersweet moment though. i was, again, reminded of just how far away from EVERYONE i live, and how disconnected i am starting to get from all my people. returning to school since then has only made me feel it more. i feel so out of it here. i'm not interested in the same things as most people, and so we have nothing to talk about. because we can't talk about things other than philosophy, can we? no, no.... that would be awful. and any desire to do that just shows that you're not serious enough about philosophy and probably shouldn't be here anyway... ugh. i ask myself what i'm doing so many times a week, if not a day.

last night was halloween. i dressed up as batgirl. that was awesome. but, of course, given my current state of mind, going to this party reminded me of last years party and how awesome that was.... i miss my michigan people. i miss having people. by now, i'm well aware that it takes me a good semester-ish to settle into a new place. but i am seriously ready to be done with this shit. today i was talking with one of the second years (one of two that at least seems human). he's not well liked by the other second years. one of the main theories being that its because he's christian and they just can't deal with that. so now i'm waiting for them to find out i'm catholic. on top of not being interested in philosophy of language... oh man, it might be the death of me.

last night, i was up till 4:30 grading. tonight, i passed out for four or five hours on the futon. and the next couple of nights/days will be spent writing my paper for philo of mind. hopefully, that works out ok. they've certainly put enough time into scaring us about it. i don't think writing this paper is going to be as bad as writing the epistemology paper from a couple years back (for starters, its philo of mind, so i actually have some intutions and even a few principled things to say), but the stress level is going to be close.