change change change

I remember my last day at notre dame, after graduation, sitting in the window sill of 707 PE, looking out at the volleyball court and the quad and thinking about how sad i was to go and how much i'd miss ND. i'm pretty certain that i looked on that moment as an end; not just an end of undergrad, but an end of having good friends around all the time that i loved.

my first morning at western, august 2004, i got to orientation early. so early that all i had to do was sit around. sit around and look around and be sad. i called a few people (they were all asleep still) and left sad, pathetic voicemails. i was alone, at an ugly school, in a dinky town, all alone. it was horrible.

so now its two years later, and i think to say that i have changed is maybe an understatment. i have grown up a lot these couple of years. and not grown up in the bad way - the 'i fit in with 40 year old soccer moms' way. and i'm not really worried about grown up things like money or insurance. so far, i've had faith that those things will just come to me. and that faith has been reworded. i've been able to live just fine. true, sometimes i'm kinda scraping by, but those are the best times actually... certainly the most formative times. but there's something fun about it, too, in a weird way. with grad-school poverty comes an odd type of freedom. i think i've become more independent - even though joey and paul have been close this whole time, i've still had to make my own way here, shift for myself a lot, and make my own successes. i'm more adaptive, too. things roll off me in a way they didn't use to. and i think i handle stuff better. all in all, i think i just feel different. i'm more my own self, if that makes any sense. and i feel like i'm finally beginning to realize my freedom.

but aside from me-things... i've made better friends in k-zoo than i ever thought possible. when i got here, i envisioned two years of lonely time. but now, not only am i not lonely, but i really regret leaving y'all, as much as i ever regretted leaving my ND friends. i really do love you guys. but you know that. senior year, small erin made us all buy blank books so we could write notes to each other. basically, she wanted proof that she'd had meaningful relationships in college. i need no such proof now. i don't know that i really needed it then, either, but i definitely don't need it now.

and i know these next years will be exciting and all. after all, i will be in the promised land. and i'll find my peeps. maybe i'll even become a good philosopher (stranger things have happened). but i am sad to leave here. i haven't cried or anything yet. and this isn't really my farewell to k-zoo. even after i pack things up on friday, i'm going to still bum around for a bit. eventually, i'll say goodbye... or maybe just avoid it alltogether.