just like olden times

sitting in a computer lab in fitz. prolly will be all night. paul's doing an all-nighter, so i said i'd stay up. so here i am... florescent lights, whirring computers, and all. i can only hope that hordes of angry engineer types don't come into this lab. there's no where here for me to sleep, so i'd have to stay up and listen to them. boo. my ipod is plugged into some speakers here. the whirring computer noise almost drowns it out, but its putting up a good fight.

i started doing serious work for my applications today - filling out forms for recommendations, requesting transcripts, handing out envelopes. basically, all the tedious horrible stuff. its hard to get enough motivation to work on them at all. i get this frightened feeling in my tummy every time i start doing anything with my apps. trust me, its not from a desire to stay at western. if it were just the school, i wouldn't be able to leave fast enough. some of my fear stems from the uncertainty, surely. i hate not knowing where i'm going next year. and i hate that so much of it may be decided on completely irrelevant factors, such as standardized test scores (no test score should be able to decide our lives, but somehow this one gets to), or an undergrad gpa that is largely reflective, not of my ability to do philosophy, but my unhappiness in the sciences. i realized today that the rest of that icky feeling in my tummy comes from the realization (which hits me each time) that we will all probably be scattered by this time next year. i never expected, on coming to western, that i would make any real friends. but, now that i have, i don't want to leave them. i'm just not ready for this.

it's too early to get sad. i gotta stop. back to the delightful whirring computer cluster noise... oh wait... that's not gonna help. i forgot what late nights in fitz are like. it's been so long. i would really need my knitting here with me to make this night complete. but all my knitting is either in the van or paul's place. oops.

tomorrow i help the dude with his final for sayre. i dare say sayre'll be surprised to see me. it's been a while. i need to find a printer before i see him so i can have all his forms and envelopes ready. at least this time he won't be calling joey trying to find me so he can tell me to give him envelopes. this time, i am prepared. =)

i think its time to go find a couch to crash on. you don't want to know how long this entry took me. let's just say it took a lot longer than it ought to have.

good night.